On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
