hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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