All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
