she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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