Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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