She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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