Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
