he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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