This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
