Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize
