I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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