It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
