I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
