i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
