Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
