ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
my poor anus
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
