I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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