I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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