she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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