apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
