I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
