i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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