My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
i think im in europe. pls send help
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
