You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
