So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
