Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
