Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
