so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
