Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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