The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
