When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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