I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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