Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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