Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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