Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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