had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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