All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
