batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
