I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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