If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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