I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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