I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
