In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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