I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
