i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
