i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
