soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
