She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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