who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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