i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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