I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
