I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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