i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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