My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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